Lost Without You
by oh sailor
Summary: Gordo is killed in a hit and run accirdent. Will those left behind learn to rebuild their lives? COMPLETED AND EPILOGUE ADDED
1. Broken in Pieces

Title: Lost Without You

Summary: Gordo dies in a hit and run accident and Miranda and Lizzie are left behind. How will the two girls deal with it? Sort of a mourning journey. Please R&R greatly appreciated. Let me know if I should finish it!!!!!!!!!!!

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: this stands for all my chappies, I don't own anything but the storyboard

Author: cka3ka-13

Chapter 1: Broken in Pieces  
"Hello?" I said softly into the phone, my camp counselor scowling angrily at me. We weren't supposed to have phone calls, much less at three in the morning. No answer. "Hello? Are you there?" I asked again, shivering in my thin sweatshirt, my toes curling on the cold floorboards.

"Lizzie?" Miranda's voice, static blaring in my ear, "Lizzie? Something really bad happened. Something really really bad."

My stomach churned nervously and I clutched the phone tighter, cold wind from the woods blowing my blonde hair into my mouth.

"Miranda, what's wrong? Please tell me." My voice was so calm, how could I be so calm? Miranda began to cry, her breaths short and gasping.

"Lizzie…died." The rest of her words were drowned out by more static and I pulled my hair, a nervous habit.

"Miranda, who died?" I asked, my voice hardening. Abbey sat up straighter in her chair, a sympathetic expression on her face as she mouthed the words, "What happened?"

I turned away. "Gordo." Miranda whispered dully, sniffling. "In a car wreck. Hit and run, over by the old playground."

_No_ I thought, tears already threatening to burst from my eyes, _No way_. I was suddenly acutely aware of everything in the room. How bright the artificial lighting was, the fly crawling up the wall, a small mole at the bottom of Abbey's chin. My body felt numb and dizzy, like it was soaring through air.

"Lizzie?" Miranda asked worriedly, her voice rising anxiously, "Are you there?"

"Yeah." My body had abruptly gravitated back to earth, the flying sensation gone.

Abbey got up and stood beside me, her slim fingers on my shoulders, and I felt a huge desire to shrug her away. _This isn't Nice Lizzie. Nice Lizzie wouldn't do that. Only Monster Lizzie. You will not be Monster Lizzie. _

"Lizzie? My mom wants to talk to your counselor ok?"

"Ok." I said, my voice a monotone, "Thanks for telling me Miranda."

"Lizzie? Can you please come home? Please? I don't want to be here all alone." Miranda began to cry, hear wrenching sobs emanating from her body.

"I'll try 'Randa. I'll try. Just don't cry ok? Please, please don't cry." The shuffling sound of a telephone being passed on, Mrs. Sanchez' voice, calm and compassionate, speaking in my ear.

"Lizzie? Is your counselor there?" she asked; worry plain in her voice,

"Yeah, her name's Abbey. Just a sec." I passed the phone to Abbey and silently walked out of the building to stand on the porch. The screen door clanged comfortingly in the silence of early morning. The sun was just beginning to rise, the cabins still dark.

_Amazing_, I thought, _my world is shattered and the sun still rises. People still sleep. _ The door to my cabin opened and Sara and Jacqueline, my cabin mates, crept out of the door and tiptoed towards the woods. _Probably to have sex with Ryan and Jared._ I thought calmly, watching Sara brush her fingers through her long red hair and apply lip gloss. I thought of Gordo, my boyfriend,. On the first day of camp we had all exchanged pictures of our boyfriends, describing personality quirks and exchanging funny stories. "Ohmygod!" Sara had squealed when I showed her the picture of us at homecoming. "He's _so_ cute!". The picture was propped up on my shelf, where I could run my fingers over us. Me in my white vintage dress, him in a black tuxedo, brown curls askew. I stared into the sky, where rain had begun to fall, soaking my hair and mingling with the fresh tears on my eyelashes.

"Where are you now Gordo?" I whispered into the rain, running my hands through my hair, thinking of the times that you had done that. I could almost taste your lips on mine, I could feel your fingers stroking my hair, feel us falling onto the couch. And then, like a beautiful dream, my vision ended. Abbey stood beside me, wiping rain water off my face. "Are you ok Lizzie?" she asked softly, her brown eyes wide.

Yes Abbey, I'm just peachy. My boyfriend just died in a hit and run accident but I'm fine with that. I'll just go skipping through some wild flowers now of you don't mind…

"Yes Abbey, I'm ok." I answered calmly, flicking at the wood on the porch railing with a fingernail.

"Are you sure?" she asked, tucking her brown hair behind her ear.

No 

"Yes." I lied. "I have to call my mother Abbey, excuse me." I stepped inside, wringing my hair out on the floor, pulling it into a scrunchie. Depositing the fifty cents I needed for five minutes, I dialed my home phone number. My mom picked up, her voice tired and groggy. "Hello?" she mumbled, coughing and yawning loudly.

"Mom?" I whispered, willing my voice not to crack. " I need to come home."

"Why baby? You still have another two weeks of camp left."

"Gordo died Mom. Miranda needs me. Do you think you could pick me up tomorrow?"

"Lizzie, are you sure?"

"Please?"

"ok. I love you Lizzie. You're a brave girl."

"I love you too Mom."

I hung up the phone, and turned to Abbey. "My mother is coming to pick me up tomorrow so I can go to my boyfriend's funeral. I need to pack up when wake up call comes."

"Lizzie…I'm so sorry that he's dead. If you want to talk about it come to me ok?"

_As if!_ Monster Lizzie snapped cruelly. Fortunatly, nice Lizzie spoke. "Thank you Abbey. Goodnight."

I walked out of the room and back towards my cabin, shielding my hair from the rain as best I could. Tears streaming down my face.

"I'm broken Gordo." I whispered. "Come back please. Put me back together, like you always did. I love you so much." The cabin drew nearer , and I opened the door carefully so I wouldn't disturb the rest of the cabin. Turning on my flashlight, I stared at my homecoming photo, thinking of Gordo and scraping myself raw inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Special thanx to all my reviewers!!!!!! Please review so I know whether to keep going or what to improve on in my writing. All comments are helpful.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah I don't own anything but le plot.

Story title: Lost Without You

The drive home seemed to take forever. My mom and I spoke rarely while she kept her eyes on the road and I counted trees. _One oak tree, one cedar, one pine…_ they flashed by so quickly that I could hardly see them but I needed to count. It was all I could do from having flashbacks and memories run me over like a heavy dump truck of pain. _Gordo had…_ "No." I whispered, my face pressed against the cool glass of the car window, "I won't think about it now, I'll think about it later." Later. Just how much later would dull the pain in my heart? Every time I thought his name, saw his face with his azure eyes looking back at me, it felt as if my heart was being rolled in broken glass, as if my soul was being rubbed raw. The road began to smooth out as we neared Hillridge, signs becoming more and more frequent, trees growing sparse. "Lizzie?" my mom asked me, eyes large with worry.

"What?" I asked sharply, Monster Lizzie surfacing. "Sorry." I mumbled, turning back to the window, concentrating on the way the light fell across the brick house next to our parked car. _Look at the shadows…they're like eyes. His eyes? No Lizzie. His eyes don't see anything anymore. They aren't watching over you anymore._

"We're at Miranda's Lizzie. I thought you might want to see her. Would you like that?" I breathed a sigh of relief. At Miranda's, I could cry. It was ok to cry with your best friend.

"Thanks mom." I said softly as I opened my door and stepped out, shielding my eyes from the bright sun. everything was so bright, so surreal, that I could hardly breathe. My mind was spinning. Something in my head was screaming his name; _Gordo Gordo Gordo!_ Over and over again. I was clawing at my hair, tears streaming down my face, and it was minutes later that I realized Miranda was hugging me. Her tears mingled with mine, salty droplets falling on my cheeks, her arms around my neck. "Oh God Lizzie, I'm so glad you came home!" whimpered Miranda, her breath ragged, eyes red.

"Miranda," I whispered, looking deep into her eyes, smoothing my hair, "how am I going to live without him? How?"

Miranda took my hand and led me into the house. As we neared her room, she took my head on her shoulders whispering, "I don't know Lizzie. I just don't know."

I sat down on her bed, fingers laced tightly together, and I caught sight of a newspaper clipping with Gordo's picture on the front.

"I thought you might want to read it." Said Miranda as she sat next to me.

Gingerly, I picked up the paper, desperately trying not to stare into his face. The picture was so him! His eyes laughing at the camera, hair tousled. I wrenched my eyes away from my boyfriend's face and began to read:

HILLRIDGE STUDENT KILLED IN HIT AND RUN

Hillridge, CA- David Gordon (15) was killed in a hit and run collision on Saturday near the abandoned playground on West Hills Blvd. Investigators have decided that, although the collision happened around five PM, Mr. Gordon did not officially die until about eight thirty PM. The viewing will be Tuesday at four. The funeral Thursday at noon at the synagogue on Forrest Dr. Mr. Gordon left two loving parents, one grandmother, and a few close friends behind. He will be greatly missed.

I let the article fall from my hands, tears pushing at my eyes. "The viewing's tomorrow." I whispered. "Tomorrow, I will have to see Gordo. Miranda, what am I going to do?"

"We'll get through this ok Lizzie? I promise." Miranda gave me a hug, her arms so safe and comforting.

"I have to go home Miranda," I said quietly as I stood up, playing with the fringes of my denim shorts.

"Will you call me if you…you know, think about doing anything Lizzie?"

"Sure Miranda." I said, kissing her cheek, picking up my sandals from her floor.

I stood in the bright sunlight of the afternoon, my head throbbing, feet carrying me towards my house. My mind wandered, Gordo's face plaguing me, always dancing out of reach. I thought of homecoming and I could feel his arms around my waist, feel his silky curls against my hands. The world dissolved into memory, time was reversed.

_flashback_

_Fire and Rain is playing on the stereo and I find you, my beautiful white gown trailing on the floor. You do not ask me to dance, you simply take me in your arms and we sway with the guitar and James Taylor's voice. The song is so sad, poor man. He misses Suzanne so much. I gently kiss your lips, and you taste like strawberries and toothpaste. The kiss is brief, but perfect. We know there will always be more kisses, always another chance. You lean down slightly and whisper into my ear that you love me; that you want to make love to me. The first time you have ever whispered those magic words. I kiss you again, say yes I want it too. Our lips meet in perfect unison, our arms holding us together until the song ends, Fire and Rain surrounding us. _

_end flashback_

I shake my head as I arrive at my house, beautiful memories dissolving as rapidly as smoke. My brother ran out of the house, throwing his arms around my waist.

"Lizzie!" he screams, "I'm so glad you're home!"

I wrapped my arms Matt, stroking his hair. He began to cry, tears soaking the front of my shirt. "Lizzie, I'm so sorry about Gordo. He was my friend you know."

I knew. I bent down and held Matt close to me, staring up at the blue sky.

_Do you see this Gordo?_ I thought angrily, _Don't you see what we've become? Damn you Gordo, damn you for doing this to us._


	3. Poor Kate

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: don't own it. Jon is my own creation

A/N oh yeah I forgot. The song Fire and Rain belongs to James Taylor. This song is AMAZING!!!!!!! Cka3ka-13 recommends it!!!!!!! The chapter is short but time presses. I will have more on the funeral later

_Just keep walking_ I thought firmly to myself as I walked slowly up the steps to the synagogue, my high heeled boots tapping rhythmically against the cement steps. I was scared, more scared then I had ever been in my life. At the viewing…I shuddered to think of it. Gordo's casket open, his face caked with makeup. In his black suit and dress shoes, he looked unlike any Gordo I had ever known. _But that wasn't Gordo…_ my head reminded me. Oh yes, that wasn't Gordo. Whatever had made him smile and laugh and give me roses and kiss me was…gone. Gone forever. And where was he? That was the question I had been asking myself nonstop over the last few days. My family had never really gone to church. Did I believe in Heaven? I didn't know. There were moments when I could still feel Gordo, when I was sure that he would come to me. When I felt he wasn't dead. And then I would remember and the broken glass would cut into my heart. I would slump down on my bed, unable to breathe, unable to think of anything but how much I wanted him to come back. To take me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be ok. _He's not coming back Elizabeth!_ Monster Lizzie yelled, _Get it into your head!_ I hugged me coat more tightly around my dress as I stalled in front of the synagogue, waiting for the service to begin. As the parked cars out front became more numerous, I watched kids from my school walk up the steps. Kate, Claire, Ethan, and Claire's boyfriend Jon huddled in a circle by the hedge, talking quietly. Claire laughed at something Jon said and she leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Anger coursed through me. How could they come, if they were going to laugh at my boyfriend's funeral? Kate looked at me and I suddenly thought how awful I must look to them. I'd lost so much weight that my dress hung limply and I hardly wore any makeup. I had tried to look good for Gordo, but I was a foolish girl. Just…pathetic. "I'm sorry Gordo." I whispered, wiping my eyes, extremely glad I had donned waterproof mascara. "I tried, I really did."

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I whirled around, surprised. Kate was standing behind me, her golden hair curling around her shoulders.

"Hey Lizzie." She said casually, playing with her black Von Dutch purse. I did not answer. "I was talking to you Elizabeth!" she said, her voice rising slightly.

"Hello Kate." I said coolly, preparing to walk over to where Miranda was getting out of her car, shoulders slumped with internal pain.

"Are you speaking today?" Kate blurted out, stepping nearer to me. I was pleased when her Versace sandal sunk in the grass.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, he _was_ my boyfriend after all." I smirked at her. Kate's blue eyes looked hurt and I softened, feeling bad that Monster Lizzie had taken over.

"I'm sorry Kate." I sighed, "I guess I'm just a little nervous that I'm going to mess up."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Kate ran her manicured fingers through her glossy hair.

"You, Kate Sanders, have no idea what I mean." My voice was icy again, "My boyfriend is _dead_ do you have any idea how much I hurt right now? No, of course not, because you're too wrapped up in your own little world to care what geeky Lizzie is feeling so I suggest you go rejoin your posse!" the words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. Where had they come from? Kate spoke calmly, her voice poised and calm.

"My cousin died last year." She said quietly. "She was the only person I had to talk to. And then she drowned in a lake. So no, maybe I don't know _exactly _how you feel right now Elizabeth, but I think I can come pretty darn close. Maybe you should think before you accuse someone of being heartless ok?" and with those words she picked her heel out of the ground and stalked into the synagogue. I simply stood there, my mouth clenched.

_Poor Kate_ was all I could think_ Poor, sad Kate._

A/N I know it's short but dinner's almost ready and I promised chapter three!!!!!!


	4. Fire and Rain

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire and Rain, only the poem that Lizzie reads

Rating-PG-13

Story title: Lost Without You

"We are here today to remember the life of David Zephyr Gordon, a loving boy who we all miss dearly…" The rabbi spoke from the pulpit, his face harshly lined, confusion etched on his face. I stared at the three hundred people in the church, all watching the rabbi with pain filled eyes. Mrs. Gordon leaned against her husband, pressing her handkerchief against her tear stained face. Next to me, Miranda sat deathly still and ramrod straight, her lips white and clenched. I unzipped my purse and took out my speech, much folded over from reading so many times. I had labored over it for many hours, not finding how I could express the love I felt for David Gordon, whose casket lay on top of am altar. It reminded me for a lamb ready for sacrifice. Gordo's grandmother dragged herself to the front of the room, wobbling unsteadily on heels that were much to high for her to walk on. She unfolded a sheet of paper and read a poem that Gordo had loved as a little boy. "…of shoes and ships and ceiling wax. Of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings,". Despite the ache in my heart, I had to smile at that. Gordo had loved that poem very much, often reciting it for me when I was sick, or merely having a bad day. He knew it always made me laugh and he would lean over and kiss me…_No._ I thought, clenching my hands. _Gordo wouldn't want you to be unhappy._ But, as his Grandma went on about the way he had fallen off his bike, and gotten his head stuck in the railings at the mall when he was four, I began to cry. They weren't tears of aching agony, of sleepless nights and red, swollen eyes. But tears of regret, and loss. Gordo had been a laughing, breathing boy. A loving person and a friend. And he was gone. This was the first time I had ever really taken in the fact that Gordo was truly dead. The tears fell faster and faster, falling down my cheeks and mingling with my eyelashes, they were rain. And like rain, they healed. In the past, crying brought more heartache, and now they eased it. Miranda took me in her arms, rubbing my back.

"Ssssh Lizzie. It's ok. It's going to be ok." She whispered, and I raised my eyes to the intricate ceiling of the synagogue. I felt him. For the first time, I actually felt my one and only watching over me, and giving me strength for what I knew I had to do.

"And now, Elizabeth McGuire will be speaking," The rabbi waved me to the front of the synagogue. I stood, and three hundred people turned to face me. The room blurred and I clutched my purse tighter, willing myself not to faint. _Why had I worn my high heels?_ I asked myself frantically, swaying dangerously. _Come on McGuire! You can make it. Do it for Gordo…for Gordo._

Yes, I would do it for Gordo. One step, two step. I was almost there. Oh my God, his casket is right there. Gordo is right there. _No, don't look at it._ I cautioned, and turned resolutely away. I pulled out my crumpled paper and cleared my throat.

"You can do it Lizzie." Who's voice was it? No one in the audience had spoken. His voice…impossible. I shook my head and, clearing my throat, I addressed the people who Gordo had left behind.

"I spent a very long time thinking of what I was going to say today." I began, wiping my eyes. "I really wanted it to be special, because Gordo was one of the most special people in my life. We've been friends since babyhood, and, for the past year and a half, have had a wonderful relationship. There is only one word to describe how I felt about him, and that word is love. I loved him more than anything, and, since his death, I'm not the same person I was. I've felt like half of me is missing and without Gordo, it can't be filled. But, in these last few days I've also learned that, although I feel that my world has ended, it won't last forever. There will always be a hole in my heart where Gordo resided, a hole that will never go away." My voice faltered, the paper blurred.

"Gordo and I used to sing together, and Fire and Rain was our favorite song. I played my guitar, and he played the piano, and we could sing for hours on end. I just wanted to play Fire and Rain, one last time for Gordo." I brushed a tear from my cheek and, unzipping my guitar from its case, I began the first chords.

_Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone_

_Suzanne the plans they made put and end to you_

_I walked out this mornin' and I wrote down this song_

_I just can't remember who to send it to_

_Oh I've seen fire, and I've seen rain_

_I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end _

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend_

_But I always thought that I'd see you again_

_Would you look down upon me Jesus, you've got to help me make a stand_

_Just got to see me through another day_

_My body's aching and my time is at hand_

_I won't make it any other way_

_Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain_

_I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end_

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend_

_But I always thought that I'd see you again_

_Been walking my mind through an easy time_

_My back turned towards the sun_

_Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around_

_Well as ours was the time on the telephone line_

_To talk about things to come_

_Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground_

_Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain_

_I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end_

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend_

_But I always thought that I'd see you, Baby, one more time again now_

I finished singing, and faced the silence of the church. They waited, eyes wide and surprised. Mrs. Gordon sobbed quietly. Mr. Gordon mouthed the words "Thank you" towards me. I took a deep breath and pulled out my poem. I hadn't been sure if I was going to read it or not, but it felt right. I put my guitar back and went back to the pulpit, noticing that Gordo's picture was up on the casket. "I wrote a poem for him, to help me deal with the immense loss that I experienced by his death. So, here goes."

I slowly unfurled the paper, my heart pounding in my ears. _It's for Gordo!_ The voice reminded me.

"One night changed it all

Are you watching as I fall?

Does my hurting soul haunt your dreams?

You're farther from me than you have ever been

Was it written in the stars?

Some say that love was never really ours

But that's not right

We've been tried and found true

Maybe it was an accident

Pulled out of the blue

Fate happens

Lives end

But I hoped that we'd never reach this bend

Now you're gone, and I'm still here

Battling alone, conquered by fear

I know you wouldn't want to see me cry

So to be strong now I must say to you

That I love you and goodbye."

I crumpled the poem up and stuck it back into me purse. The audience sat in stunned silence and I whispered quietly so that no one could hear, "I love you Gordo. I will always love you." And, with that, I walked back to my seat. The rabbi said a few prayers in Hebrew and we all sang a hym that Gordo had loved. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…" and I sang with them, knowing Gordo was watching over us all.

As the doors opened, and everyone filed out of the synagogue waiting for the casket bearers, it began to rain. Hard, heavy rain the quickly soaked my hair and ran into my shoes. Hundreds of programs were opened, all with Gordo's picture on them. Three hundred pictures of Gordo, facing to the sky.

A/N I hoped you liked the chapter review!


	5. deja vu

Disclaimer: I own the plot and all other non-disney related that are mentioned in the story

**A/N: hey u all! I am so sorry it has taken me like 2 months to update! I had almost forgotten I had even written this and then I ran across it on my computer. I have 2 more chapters written so expect those very soon. I know that this may not be the best but forgive me. It's been so long since I've worked on this! Lol enjoy! And…most annoying question ever…REVIEW pretty pretty please? puppy dog eyes. Thanks _mes amoirs_**.

"Hey Lizzie, how are you holding up?" I pushed my half eaten sandwich away and gazed into Miranda's face.

"Ok I guess. It doesn't really seem real. Any second no I feel like he's going to walk up behind me and yell 'Surprise!'. I just can't believe he's gone."

"I know what you mean." She said quietly, stabbing her pasta with her fork. " The first day of school isn't the same without one of Gordo's famous study guides." She smiled ruefully. "Isn't it funny? The year he's not here, I would give anything to be told I wasn't allowed to eat dinner until next summer. I almost feel guilty for giving him such a hard time about those damn things."

I sighed, fighting against a lump in my throat. It had been nearly a month since I'd cried in front of anyone about Gordo's death. Even Miranda. Even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, it felt as if Miranda and I were growing farther and farther apart every day. Instead of our friendship growing, it was almost as if we were retreating into our own separate worlds of pain. A single tear coursed down my cheek and I felt Miranda's arms around me.

"It's ok to cry Lizzie. It's ok to cry. Let's go to the bathroom ok?" I nodded and we walked out of the cafeteria together. I could feel their eyes on my back, the whispers standing out as if they were being yelled.

_"Who's that girl?"_. It was Lauren, the brown haired girl from my calculus class.

_Oh, that's Lizzie McGuire_

_Well, why's she crying?_

_She lost her boyfriend this summer. Hit and run, over by the old playground._

_Ouch, that totally sucks. I would just kill myself if Jason died._

_Tell me about it, she hasn't been the same since._

_Can you blame her? _

_No…guess not. They were completely in love. Jeez, I wish you could have seen them together Lauren. Gordo had the most amazing voice ever and for the talent show last year, he sang "This I Swear." Oh my god, it was so cute._

_That is so sweet. It's such a pity he's gone_

At the words "Hit and run. Over by the old playground." I was thrown into immediate déjà vu. I could almost smell the sweet scent of pine and the cold floorboards beneath my feet. I could hear the crackling from the static in the phone. The feeling of impending doom was already creeping back into my stomach. Monster Lizzie appeared ungraciously in my head, _Just shut up McGuire. You'll only make yourself cry and then the other half of the school who don't know about your predicament can throw you a biiiig giant pity party? Do you want that? Didn't think so. Now quit having flashbacks and deal with the present._

Miranda pulled the door to the girls bathroom open and made me sit down in one of the hard plastic chairs as she ran water over a paper towel. I buried my head in my hands, uncontrollable sobs racking my body. I wailed helplessly, frustrated at my newest setback. I had thought that I was doing better. I had begun to smile a little bit, I had even caught myself laughing at one of Matt's digital movies that he had made for me. I thought that I was done with crying myself to sleep every night. But, obviously, I was wrong.

Miranda held the cold paper up to my face, patting my cheeks with it, and stroking my hair with her free hand. "Sssshhhh, Lizzie, it's going to be ok. Just relax."

I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes, the pain in my heart eased a bit. "Thanks 'Randa, you're a great friend."

"No problem Liz. Anything for you." She gave me her quirky half smile and sat down on the floor next to me, leaning against the wall, her eyes closed.

"Hey Miranda, I know that we didn't exactly spend a lot of time together after the funeral and all. But…what was it like for you? You know, those first couple of weeks?"

Miranda was silent for a minute, her breathing ragged. At last she spoke, her words so quiet I had to strain to hear them. "It didn't even seem real for the first couple of days. I checked my phone every day for messages from him…sometimes it took me all day to remember…to remember what had happened. But the mornings where all it took was his picture were the worst. I'd just open my eyes and he'd be there. Just…hanging on my bulletin board. Sometimes, I couldn't even get out of bed. You know something? At his memorial service, where everyone cried and laughed and read poetry and sang…the first thing I wanted to do was to tell him about it. Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone."

I was silent, just listened to the sound of our breathing and felt the coolness of the towel on my face. Outside, the bell rang shrilly and I heard the poundings of one hundred feet hurrying to fourth period. Miranda took a shaky breath and got to her feet.

"Well, I should go. Don't want to start school by skipping class, do I? Are you coming?"

"Nah, I think I'm going to pull myself together." I said softly, smiling falsely at her, "Just go to class."

"See you later Lizzie." She said as she hurried out of the bathroom. I threw the dry towel into the trash and leaned back in my chair, scuffing my new shoes on the linoleum. The bathroom was silent except for my own breathing. I put my head in my hands, frustrated suddenly. Everyone seemed to be moving on except me. Miranda took pain silently; at least she had since I had met her in fourth grade. As long as I could remember, no matter how bad her injury was, I had never really seen her cry. Matt could smile and no longer went around with a lost, haunted look in his fourteen year old eyes, Mr. and Mrs. Gordon were moving away from Hillridge after Christmas. They told me that they couldn't go on living in a town where every building reminded them of "David" as they called him. Gordo's mother and father had never taken to the nickname like the rest of his friends had. They had bought a house in Florida to be close to Mr. Gordon's mother.

My head snapped up as a stall door creaked open, revealing Kate Saunders. She stepped out of the cubicle and, instead of ignoring me as she usually did, she walked up to me and pulled up a chair.

"Uh, hey Kate." I said awkwardly, wiping my eyes, suddenly ashamed of my display.

"Hey Lizzie." She said quietly, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair back into her French twist.

"Aren't you supposed to be in science?" I asked her pointedly, flicking my eyes towards the door. Kate got up and walked over to the sink, where she began to fix her hair.

"Probably." She answered haughtily. One look at my shocked face and she laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh please McGuire, don't give me that look. It's not like I've never skipped class before."

I shrugged my shoulders, although I was intrigued with this new discovery about Kate Saunders' personality.

"Look Lizzie, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened at Gordo's funeral. You were a wreck and you didn't know about Julia. I was pretty bitchy, I'm sorry, it's just that funerals just seem to have that effect on me. Forgive me?"

I sighed. I had completely forgotten about what I had said to Kate at Gordo's funeral. I shivered at the thought that I could be so cruel. "No, it's my fault. I'm sorry." Kate sprayed her hair and, after a few moments of silence asked, "Do you want to take a walk? No one's outside."

I smiled, my first real smile in a very long time. "I'd love to." I said.


	6. VI

I slipped my shoes off, enjoying the coolness of the wet grass on my bare feet. How long had it been since I'd taken a walk with my shoes off? I had no idea. Everything had seemed an effort lately and now, as I saw nine months of school in front of me, it just seemed too much to bear. Where would I be without Miranda and Gordo?

_You still have Miranda_, Nice Lizzie said reasonably, her voice coated in sweetness. I almost laughed aloud. Maybe I had Miranda, but I could feel her slipping away from me day by day.

"What?" Kate asked, noticing my rueful smile, "Do I have something on my face?"

"No, no. I was just thinking about…stuff." I said softly, not quite willing to discuss my life with a girl who had made my life hell since seventh grade. Oh sure, we had moments where we were almost friends. But they were always swallowed up when Claire or another member of the "Posse" walked up.

"It's not like that." Kate said softly, as if she read my mind.

"Not like what?" I asked, brushing grass off of my toenail.

"I never hated you Mc…Lizzie. I swear. Sometimes, I even wondered why I was sticking with Claire and all of them."

I shrugged, looking away. "It doesn't matter." I said softly

"Yes, it does." Kate said sadly, her blue eyes suddenly tired, "It matters more than anything in the world."

We walked past the field, watching most of the popular kids flirting as they ran laps, their perfectly sculpted bodies flying past those of imperfection…creating a dance that was far too complicated to join in. Kate grabbed my arm, pointing to Claire and Ethan, who were running side by side, their hands joined.

"That was my life." She said, her long hair blowing in the wind. "I could have had all of that…and more."

"Why did you give it up?" I asked, watching Ethan and Claire disappear into a secluded area by the goal post. Mr. Walker, the gym teacher, would never know that they were gone. Kate had suddenly left the "Posse" after tenth grade was over, but no one really knew why. Even so, she was still one of the more desired girls at Hillridge High School.

"It was empty. All I ever did was pretend and pretend. I had to pretend that I was in love with Ethan, pretend that my mother loved me and wasn't an alcoholic…pretend that my life was so perfect. I was always empty and it was all part of me. I never questioned it. Ever. And then I woke up in August and realized that I didn't want it anymore." Kate continued to gaze out at the field, her eyes thoughtful. "So, how about you Lizzie? How are you doing?"

I sighed, "I thought I was doing ok. And now there's nine more months of school and Miranda's not my friend anymore…everything's just sort of falling apart."

Kate's eyes widened, "You and Sanchez aren't friends anymore?"

"I guess we are." I said, fiddling with a piece of my hair, "But we've sort of…grown apart. We just deal with things differently I guess."

"I guess that's too bad. " said Kate, patting me awkwardly on the shoulder.

"Oh, it's been coming for awhile now." I said bitterly, "When Gordo and I started going out, she just sort of drifted away. Now she's part of the "skater" group. I get worried though. Lots of them are trouble." I scanned the field, watching the clique I had been so afraid of in middle school playing touch football and volleyball, wondering why I had ever feared them. Suddenly, my eyes opened wide as I caught sight of a dark haired boy standing by himself near the fence. He was staring at me. I shook my head and turned back to Kate, who was also watching the boy.

"That's Eric Parker." She said, as if answering a question. "He likes you."

"What?" I screeched, nearly fainting in surprise. "I-I mean…uh, how do you know?"

"He told me." Kate said simply waving at him with her drama queen fingers, "We used to be good friends and he was always talking about how pretty you were and how much he wanted to ask you out. And then you and David got together and he tried to forget about you."

Eric Parker, Eric Parker…the name was so familiar. And then I remembered a shy, dark haired boy who sat behind me in history class. Once in awhile I caught him attempting to smell my hair.

"That's Eric Parker?" I said, shocked at the transformation.

"I know, he's changed a lot." Kate said, her eyes twinkling merrily. "You know, I think he might ask you to that Halloween party that Bethany's giving. Would you say yes?"

I watched as Eric joined the game of football, tackling Jon Simmons and slamming the football in triumph as he scored a touchdown. Could I go out with Eric? _No_! The voice at the back of my head called out, _How can you even think such a thing? Gordo's been dead for two months and you think that you can just fill that void? _

"Ummm…" I said, for lack of anything better to say.

Kate's eyes softened and she wrapped her arms around me, one hand smoothing my hair. "It'll be ok Lizzie. Just hold on."

The shrill ringing of the bell broke the silence and I pulled away, an awkward silence falling between us. "Well, I should go. I want to get a good seat in English. Are you coming Kate?" Kate shook her head as she continued watching Ethan and Claire holding hands, an almost wistful look in her eyes.


	7. Smashed

Sorry if this chapter is a little…awkward. I haven't written on this one for awhile, so I'm a little out of practice.

**LizzieyGordo4ever: Where have you been? I miss your reviews! Hope u like!**

**Everyone else who has been reviewing: thank you so much! They are inspiring and motivating**

The pounding of the bass from the stereo overwhelmed me as I walked through the gates around Bethany Taylor's house. Cool October wind swept around my ankles and I chewed my fingernails nervously, lingering at the edge of the property.

"Lizzie!", someone called, and I turned around to greet Bethany's smiling face as she hugged me around my shoulders, the sweet scent of her perfume surrounding me. I stood stiffly, taken aback by Bethany's display of affection for me. I was, after all, Lizzie McGuire. She was, after all, that captain of the cheerleading squad. Five months ago I would have given anything for Bethany Taylor to give me the time of day, let alone a hug. But five months ago, things were different. Five moths ago I had Gordo and Miranda. Five months ago I wasn't alone.

"Um, hey Bethany." I said awkwardly, playing with the hem of my halter top.

"So." She said breathlessly, leading me towards the dance floor, her eyes bright. "I heard Eric Parker asked you out."

I blushed and twirled a strand of hair around my finger. The incident in the school parking lot with Eric had left me shaken and confused and guilty. I had wanted to say 'Sure Eric, I'll come to the dance with you' in that cool, calm Lizzie voice that I was used to. But instead I stood there for a minute, and then I yelled at him. I zoomed away in my car and cried the rest of the evening, feeling like a loser. I still missed Gordo all the time; like an ache that wouldn't go away. but Bethany wouldn't understand. Of course she wouldn't understand.

"Yeah, but I'm not ready, I guess." I said quietly, shrugging. "Have you seen my friend Miranda?" I asked, changing the subject.

Bethany's lip curled with distaste. "She's hitting the keg with all the other stoners. Just let her alone Lizzie, I think she left with them."

I groaned. The idea of Miranda hanging out with hardcore druggies did not appeal to me.

"Oh, look it's Meghan!" Bethany called, waving at a dark haired girl who was clutching her boyfriend's arm. "Meggie! Bye Lizzie, go dance with Eric!" I watched as she ran unsteadily in her high heels towards the cheerleader, feeling that pit of sadness settle in my stomach. I could go dance with the popular kids and apologize to Eric and slow dance with him. Instead, I picked up an unopened can of Sprite and walked slowly over to the empty swing that was hung on the sturdy branches of a sprawling oak tree and adorned with festive black and orange lights. Soft, slow music poured from the speakers and a tear ran down my cheek as I recognized the familiar "This I Swear". The song reminded me so much of him, I wondered when grief would stop sneaking up on me.

I was tired of being sad…all I wanted was to be happy again. I wanted things to be the way they were before my world fell apart.

The swing creaked as I felt someone sit down beside me. I turned around to face Eric, his face outlined with vibrant orange.

"Hey stranger." He said, "I thought you looked lonely, sitting here all by yourself."

I shrugged, blushing again. "I'm ok. You should be having fun."

"I like sitting with you." He said simply, smiling at me. "I'm not very good at dancing anyways."

I ran my hand through my blonde hair nervously, shuffling my feet on the grass. "Eric?" I asked meekly, tapping his arm lightly.

"Yeah?" he said dreamily, tapping his foot to the music, watching the couples swaying to the song.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened last week. I lost it, and you didn't deserve what I said to you. I'm really sorry." I finished my apology in one breath, looking away from him towards the woods. Several people were crashing around, laughing hysterically and I saw the pinpricks of flashlights as they went on and off.

Eric touched my arm, his eyes warm. "It's my fault." He said quietly. "I like you Lizzie, and I would never do anything to hurt you." I shrugged, breathing out a slow sigh of relief. The air seemed heavy, and I leaned against the swing, the cool wood a relief against my warm skin.

"Lizzie? Do you wanna dance?" Eric asked nervously, biting his lip. I sighed, nodding slowly. It was a Halloween party; why shouldn't I have fun?

As Eric took my hand and led me out onto the floor, I allowed him to take me in his arms, ignoring the whispers that were surfacing all around me. Time and space melted together, mingling with Britney Spears' voice and the feel of Eric's hand in mine. My head shot up as someone tapped me hard on the shoulder; I turned around and was met with Bethany's face, her eyebrows furled.

"McGuire, your dopey friend is smashed and she's wrecking my mom's garden. Please get her the hell _out_ of here!" she snapped, tossing a strand of red hair over her shoulder.

"Sorry Eric, I gotta go." I mumbled hurriedly, trying to ignore the waterfall of guilt that was pouring through my stomach. _Hello McGuire!_ Monster Lizzie screamed as I raced frantically across Bethany's lawn, calling Miranda's name, _Gordo **your boyfriend** is still dead. And you're already going on with Eric! What a way to love him_.

Miranda was dancing around the keg, trampling a delicate orchid as she sloshed beer in her cup, a broken woman with no where to go. I buried my head in my hands as I saw her collapse into a stranger's lap, giggling wildly. Where was the strong girl I had known since I was six? She was a damaged girl, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't re glue the bonds we had shared.

"Miranda?" I asked timidly, tapping her on the shoulder. She looked at me with mistrustful eyes, tossing her black hair over her shoulder.

"What do you want Lizzie?" she asked, her words slurred.

"We're going home." I said firmly, grabbing one of her arms and trying to haul her to her feet. She stumbled against me, beer sloshing all over my purple shirt. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I led her down the hill, ignoring the curious stares of various partygoers. When I reached the Volvo, Miranda doubled over and vomited all over the sidewalk, crying softly and clinging to my neck. The last words I heard before she fell asleep were, "I'm sorry Lizzie…sorry for everything."

I turned off the light in my room, leaving Miranda sprawled across my bed, her face pale and her breathing steady. The house was silent; my parents had gone to bed a long time before. Opening the door to the guest room, I pulled my clothes over my head, leaving the jeans and shirt in the bathtub to soak along with Miranda's things. Mist from the shower crawled along the tile floor, shrouding me in shadow as I brushed my hair, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I had lost weight, and my hair was thinner than it was at the beginning of the year. Had it really only been five months since Gordo's death? It felt longer. It felt like an eternity. I was lost without him, and soon the only traces of his family would be leaving Hillridge for good. I hadn't visited Mr. and Mrs. Gordon in a long time, but it was comforting to see them around town; living reminders that Gordo had been alive.

I slipped inside the shower door, feeling the piping hot water stream over my limbs and pull me into a state of relaxation. My skin turned red, and I leaned against the glass wall, trying not to think about anything at all. Thinking always seemed to get me into trouble anyways. Someone knocked on the door to the bathroom, and I turned the shower off, throwing a towel around my body. Miranda stood in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe, outlined in the faint glow from the hallway.

"Hey Miranda." I said awkwardly, making room for her to walk through the door. She lay down on the floor, her face pressed into the rug.

"Sorry Lizzie." She mumbled, her eyes closed.

I sighed, slipping my nightgown over my head and sitting next to her, rubbing her back. "It's okay Miranda." I said gently, curling my toes on the soft rug. It wasn't okay though…it would never be okay.

Dragging Miranda to the guest bed, I did my best to make her comfortable before returning to my own room, where I fell asleep to the soft cooing of the owls.

When I awoke in the morning, Miranda was gone


	8. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

A/N: Because I am insanely awesome, I have updated this story this week rather than sometime far from now, which I was planning on doing, since I was procrastinating. We are nearing the end of this tale, my friends. only a few more chapters to go.

**Sally: **Thanks much. Dinner was awesome btw lol

**LyG4ever: **Gracias for your reviews. You are probably my most steady reviewer.

Everyone else..thank you so much for your reviews. They really mean the world to me.

Disclaimer: same old

Since the Halloween fiasco, I did my best to avoid both Miranda and Eric and keep up with my school work, all the while trying to return to the child I had once been. I hardly noticed as the seasons changed, as the 'For Sale' sign in front of the Gordon's house was replaced with a 'Sold' plaque, the red paint glittering in the sun. I barely noticed that Miranda had hardly been coming to school, or that my mother had strung stockings in front of the fireplace.

I had been living a dream for three months.

Three days a week I was also being forced to sit on a squeaky vinyl couch in group therapy. After my mother had found my beer stained clothes after the Halloween incident, she was convinced that I was drinking to drown my sorrows, so I got off the bus in town and was interrogated by a mousy man with a gray sweater. I passed through it all in a dreamlike state, not caring, not talking.

Somehow, one evening around six fifteen, I found myself at the Gordon's front door. It had rained that day, and frozen droplets of water clung to everything, casting a Winter Wonderland effect over downtown Hillridge. Shivering in my blue peacoat, I rang the doorbell, hearing the chimes echo in the spacious house. I stood awkwardly in the porchlight, ashamed that I hadn't been to see the Gordon's in so long. The door was flung open and Roberta Gordon appeared, her dark hair striking against her red sweater, and a smile on her face.

"Lizzie!" she exclaimed ecstatically, "Come in sweetie. I haven't seen you in so long."

The front hall was littered with half packed boxes, most of the Gordon's familiar relics had disappeared into bubble wrap and tissue paper. A small tree rested on the Persian rug, two stockings hung in front of the fireplace.

"You all are really going aren't you?" I asked quietly, laying my mittens on the coffee table and hanging my coat and scarf up on a peg.

"Yeah. It's just been way too hard, Lizzie." Roberta said, moving into the kitchen. I could hear china being moved around, hot water hissing from a kettle.

She returned a moment later, holding two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of Christmas cookies in her hands. I smiled and blew on my drink, listening to the tinkling Christmas carols coming from a stereo.

"I understand." I said quietly. A silence fell between us.

"Howard isn't here." She said brightly, but I'll tell him you came by, Liz. You were always David's favorite girlfriend, honey. I know he loved you a lot, if that's any consolation. It was a terrible thing that happened Lizzie. And to think that they never caught who did it."

I brushed my bangs out of my eyes and shrugged as I bit into a Santa Claus. "Thanks. I miss him all the time, you know. I really really loved him, Mrs. Gordon. I hope he knew."

"Lizzie…I know that this may seem weird, but we haven't dismantled David's room yet. We aren't going to keep very much, so if you want you can pick things you want to keep. "

Roberta held out a white garbage that I took with shaking fingers. "Are you sure? I don't want to take anything that you want to keep."

"Lizzie, it would all just go into storage. I don't think I could put my child away in a box like that, you know?"

I nodded and walked shakily up the stairs, the bag brushing against my sneakers as I walked into the unlit upstairs quarters. My breathing became rapid as I neared the familiar door, a Cassie Steele poster taped on the white wood. _Come on McGuire, open the frickin door_ I snapped at myself, my fingers frozen on the doorknob.

The door swung silently open revealing his room shadowed by the growing darkness of a winter evening. I turned on the light, filling the darkness with pale yellow, and gasped, falling onto the floor. The room was exactly the way it had been when I'd last seen him: the bed slightly rumpled, jeans tossed carelessly on the floor. A Pink Floyd poster was tacked to the wall, his desk littered with old papers, as well as a photograph of us at a carnival, taken three days before I left for camp. We were both staring into the camera, his arm around me, my hair blowing in the wind. We're outlined in a halo of gold, a kiss captured at the perfect moment. I smiled and pocketed the photo, running my hands through my hair.

The room smelled faintly musty, combining with the faint odor of Gordo's cologne and other boy smells. I walked around the square room, running my hands over his books and photos, picking up little things here and there. A copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_, marked with copious notes, a small bottle of cologne, a program for the Film Festival that he had won with his film 'The Gordo Files', his film about middle school, and his scrapbook. Reaching under his bed, my hands closed around a wooden box that I opened with curiosity. My mouth dropped open when I saw what lay inside. All of Gordo's tapes, years and years of filming us, were all together in one box. Here was 'When Good Girls Go Bad: The Lizzie McGuire story;, and our seventh grade wilderness adventure. Here was Miranda's voice recital, and a Cassie Steele concert we'd gone to. Here were the IMVAS, as well as dozens more that I hadn't seen. Picking up the box and placing it gently in the bag, I closed the door gently behind me and walked downstairs.

"That's all?" Roberta asked me when I made my way into the living room, the rolled up bag in my arms.

"It's the things that remind me most of him." I said simply, tugging my coat around my shoulders. "I should get going if I want to catch the bus."

"Oh, Lizzie, I'll drive you. You shouldn't be walking this late anyways." Roberta said briskly, pulling a scarf over her sweater.

"Let's go!" she called lightly, grabbing her car keys from a blue ceramic dish by the door. I smiled as I remembered that this was one of Gordo's art projects, and I thought back to my eight year old self, blonde hair in pigtails, getting sprayed by a splash of blue paint as Gordo whipped around, paintbrush in hand.

The mini cooper was already warm by the time I got out onto the driveway, clutching my bag.

"Thank you so much Lizzie." Mrs. Gordon said as she pulled out of the driveway, "I can't tell you how much this means to me."

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, Mrs. Gordon watching the road as I watched the various carolers and lights flashing on rooftops. Christmas was Gordo's favorite holiday. And he often came by the house early to whisk me away for ice skating or hot chocolate before my parents were even awake.

Soon enough we arrived at my house, my mother already waiting in the driveway. Matt was shooting hoops in the basket near the garage, 50 Cent blaring from his boombox. White and green Christmas lights dripped down from the roof and robotic reindeer were grazing in the front lawn.

"Elizabeth Brooke McGuire!" she yelled as I got out of the car, her hands on her hips. "You were supposed to be home two hours ago!"

"Sorry mom." I muttered, lugging my things out of the trunk, Roberta stepped out of the car and my mother lapsed into pleasant conversation about Matt and her flowers. I slipped into my room in the dark and sat on my bed, fingering the box of tapes and DVDs, listening to an old Backstreet Boys CD. Around nine, the doorbell rang and could hear the tinny voices of little kids singing various carolers.

"Have a very merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year…" they wished me.

I might. I just might.


	9. Metamorphosis

Notes: This may or may not be the last chapter of Lost without You. I haven't quite decided what I want to do with the story. If this is the last chapter, then farewell, and thank you all for all your support and kindness with reviews. Also, expect an Epilogue.

I am sorry that it is so short, I did it in about three hours, but I think it does a good job of rounding the plot out. Thank you all for everything.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire

Despite my hopes that time would stop, Christmas vacation slowly closed and, once again, I found myself waking up to my alarm clock and donning some of the flashy clothing I had received as presents.

I had spent the two weeks in solitude, watching the tapes that Gordo had kept in his box and lying in my room, cleaning out my closet and kicking Matt out of my diary. It never ceased to amaze me how, at fourteen, he still acted the way he did at eleven. Days passed, Howard and Roberta left for Florida, and my mother agreed to let me stop going to therapy after I convinced her that she was wasting her money. Eric did not call, and I felt oddly depressed about it. Had he abandoned me? It wasn't like I _liked_ him or anything, but it was nice to know that someone was looking out for me.

The front of the school was deserted as my mother's car pulled into the driveway early on Monday morning. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the quiet peace of the campus before the busses pulled up, before the bustling crowds of students clustered by the bike racks and the front of the school. From the car seat I could see a freshman girl nervously chaining her bike in one of the slots, her plain brown braids blowing in the wind, and the chubby red headed Veruca, someone I had hardly spoken to since eighth grade.

"Lizzie?" my mother asked hesitantly as I placed my hand on the door handle. "Are you okay? We haven't talked, and I mean _really_ talked in so long, I just wanted to make sure you're doing better."

I felt a sudden pang of guilt and I tugged nervously on the sleeve on my pink and purple shirt. Guilt had never been something I was good at dealing with, I always gave in when guilt reared its ugly head. For the first time in a long time, I pulled myself out of Lizzie's-Grieving-Land and smiled at my mom. "Yeah." I said, pulling my scarf more tightly around my neck, "I am."

And I got out of the car and watched the Suburban drive away, the quiet of the grounds surrounding me. For the first time, I longed for company, someone to talk to, and it hit me that I was truly friendless. Kate had tried to comfort me and apart from that walk in September, I had pushed her away. Eric had tried to be my friend, to kiss me, to put fill the hole that he sensed had been gaping inside of me. And Miranda…it made me want to throw up when I thought of Miranda. I had called, once, during Christmas break, and what did her mother tell me? Miranda's in rehab. She did some bad drugs, and some freak raped her, and now she's in rehab. And all the time she was hurting I was too wrapped up in missing someone who wasn't here to pay attention to the girl who stood by me, even when Bitchy Lizzie reared her not-so-pretty head, even when I said cruel things to her. I was too caught up in LizzieLand to notice that she was hurting too.

A sudden noise from behind me caught my attention, and I twirled around, my hair sticking to my expensive lip gloss.

"Um, hey Lizzie." Said Eric Parker awkwardly, his gloved hands stuck deep in the pockets of a faded grey coat.

"Hey." I said faintly, my stomach rising into my throat. Oddly enough, there was no guilt in my heart, no worry that Gordo was somehow watching me, angry for not loving him anymore.

"Nice, um, day." He said, a little too loudly, a cold wind tousling his dark hair.

I glanced up at the grey sky, threatening depressing rain, and raised my eyebrows slightly, causing a faint flush to rise to Eric's face.

"Right." He said jovially, sending a smile that flashed his dimples charmingly. "That was dumb. Lizzie, do you want to go for a walk?"

I smiled, a rush of joy coursing through me, and nodded happily. Linking me arm with his, we shed our book bags and walked off towards the football field, the grass grey and cold under our feet. We walked in silence for a few minutes, shivering every so often as winter air blasting our faces.

As we climbed up the bleachers and sat, our bodies close, watching the first few cars pull into the parking lot, I asked him how his vacation went. My voice was nervous, my hands sweating inside their thick pink gloves.

"It was okay." He said with a shrug. "I got a new PlayStation, and my sister got a new boyfriend. Nothing much. How about you?"

I shrugged. So much had happened over break, I scarcely new where to start. "My friend Miranda got sent to rehab." I said quietly, staring past the stadium at the sky.

"I'm sorry." He said gently, placing his hand on my sleeve. I took his hand in mine, admiring the way my small hand looked in his strong one. "I didn't know her, but I'm sorry."

I shrugged, "I didn't call her at all, her mom told me. Miranda did…she did some bad drugs, and they nearly killed her. Some guy raped her too. But it's all okay. I mostly just hung out."

"Lizzie." He said hesitantly, his fingers tightening over mine. "Do you ever…I mean, do you still love him?"

I could guess what Eric meant by 'him'.

"I'll always love him." I said softly, a lump forming in my throat. Some of the light faded from Eric's eyes, and I turned his face towards mine, a tear falling down my cheek.

"But it's not like that anymore. I used to feel so guilty, and now I just know that…wherever he is…he still…" I took a deep, shuddering breath, tears flowing freely down my face. "He still loves me." And that's when I realized that, however lost I'd been without him, in him I was found. And I'd met someone who loved me, and that's what Gordo would have wanted.

He would have wanted me to be happy, even if it meant I couldn't be with him.

In one moment, I recalled ninth grade, that faltering first year after the kiss. I avoided Gordo for ages, trying to make up my scattered mind about what I wanted. He cornered me in the library, and told me quite frankly what he felt for me. He told me that, even if I didn't like him like that, he would be happy for me, even if I couldn't be more than a friend to him.

And Eric, who I had led on so cruelly, was taking me in his arms and my head was resting against his chest, and I could hear his heart beating slowly against my head.

I looked up, the last of my tears drying against my face, bitter cold in the January air. Eric leaned down, and our lips brushed, lightly at first and then with more courage. I could hear the faint chattering of students as they alighted from their various buses and the faint pattering of rain as it fell gently on our upturned faces. We broke apart, and I blushed furiously, biting my lower lip. Kissing had never been something I did with ease, especially where people could _see_ us.

"The bell's going to ring." Eric said softly, his hand stroking my cheek. I lay my head on his shoulder, shivering as icy water droplets landed on my face.

"I suppose we should go in?" I asked quietly, swallowing hard. Was I really ready to face the world as this new, changed, strong Lizzie McGuire? Not the ditzy, clumsy girl I had been up to this moment. The girl who had been to hell and back, the girl who's soul mate had died, the girl who had found love again.

The rain had stopped, a faint rainbow painted the dark grey sky. I smiled, hoping that it was somehow a sign that everything would be alright after all.

"Let's go." I said gently, extending my hand to him. Eric took it and we walked slowly down the bleachers, towards the throng of high schoolers in front of the school.

I felt changed, somehow I was shedding my chrysalis and stretching new wings. A metamorphosis had taken place, I was something new, and Eric had my hand in his.

I knew that everything would be okay.

As we appeared in front of the school, our fingers interlaced, a sudden hush fell over the crowd. And then Kate, from somewhere in the group yelled "It's about time Lizzie McGuire!" and everyone laughed and clapped.

Eric's lips found mine, I shed my cocoon and finally _finally _flew.


	10. Epilogue

For starters…let me just say that I loved writing this story, and I'm both happy and sad that it was done.

I'd personally like to thank…

KTJ, Kaylee, leftsidedown, jojolookalike1220, Hermione781, LyG4ever, zero, Kristy, Abuhin, LizzieGordo4Life, OhYeah100, subgirl, Nick, Green Aura, Tears4Chris, benjisevilqueen1979, and the new jp1987 for your consistent reviews. If I'm forgetting anyone else, thanks you and I'm very sorry. Now that that's over with…

The Epilogue

It was a blissful summer. I looked upon Gordo's death with sadness, of course, and I thought about him every day, but life moved quickly and the days no longer drifted away. Eric and I spent a perfect eight months together, living off of each other, loving each other, before life forced us to go our separate ways. It was an emotional parting, something neither of us wanted to do, but sometimes life moves far too fast to hold on to the things that matter. We had fallen out of love, and a simple friendship grew between us. I felt bitter for some time, angry that God had taken away still another part of me, but as fall slid smoothly into winter I healed and threw myself into senior year.

I made the cheerleading squad by the lack of agile freshmen and a few (ok a lot) of strings pulled on the behalf of Kate and Bethany. Gordo would have frowned but I needed something to keep me distracted from Eric and his new girlfriend. As much as I resented him for our breakup, if it hadn't been for him I might never have been able to go through the metamorphosis that surged through my life in January of junior year.

Kate and I remained friends, not best friends, but friendly. She had been there to talk to on a number of occasions, and though we were never especially close, if one needed the other, we were there without fail.

As for Miranda, a much sadder story came about as a result of David Gordon's death and her sudden loneliness in the world. She stayed in rehab for the better part of junior year, and when she was released during the summer she was in therapy almost every day. I rarely saw her except for the occasional passing wave and phone call. She didn't want to see anyone, and instead she sat in her room staring at her wall. Shortly after homecoming she took her dad's gun off the rack in his closet, took it down to the basement, and shot herself in the head. We were in shock, I cried for three days straight. The funeral was short and simple as Miranda's parents didn't want a lavish affair. I couldn't blame them. After all, who wanted to hear happy stories about a girl who had killed herself? It was too tragic for words. Miranda was buried in a plot near Gordo, a simple _Miranda Isabella Sanchez_ carved into the grey stone. Her parents didn't put her dates of birth and death on her headstone; they were too close for anyone to stand.

And so Elizabeth Brooke McGuire graduated Hillridge High School.

Now I'm in California, a sophomore at the University of California, studying music in the hopes of being able to get a record deal someday. It's morning, and the sun is just barely shining through the clouds as I stand on the beach. The water is warm against my feet, the sand soft and white. The beach is deserted and silent, even the seagulls aren't crying today. If someone had told me five years ago that my life would have taken this turn I would have pronounced them crazy. But I'm wide awake, and it's morning on the fourth anniversary of David Zephyr Gordon's death and I'm alive. Really, truly alive.

I saw the Gordon's last month when I visited Florida. They are happy and were sorry to hear about Miranda's death. It's hard to believe that the people I grew up with are so far away, and the people I was so distant from are such a large part of my life. Kate ended up marrying Ethan (just like we all knew she would) and she's the happy mother of one- a boy with the name of David Sanders Craft.

I don't think about high school very much- the memories have drifted into a blurry picture of football games and movies and tears. I still think about Lizzie McGuire, and how she came to be Beth McGuire. I miss Lizzie, and I wish I could be the same ditzy girl that Gordo loved and Eric longed for. It's not as simple as that though.

I am whole now. The pieces of me have come together to form a jagged puzzle- maybe not the one I started out as- but a finished work just the same. The journey was long, the road was twisted, and somehow I know that the beach I stand on is the finish line.

My blonde hair flies free of its braid and blows across my cheeks, covering my eyes with strands of golden light. A young man running down the beach smiles at me, and waves. To my surprise I wave back before watching him disappear around a corner. The water steadily grows warmer, the sun rising higher in the pink and gold sky.

_Lizzie…_someone calls me, their voice echoing. I wait, listening.

_Lizzie, I love you. Be happy, please. I want you to be happy forever_

And the voice is gone. I smile and wade a little deeper into the water, my heart singing. People are coming out of their condos now, dogs are barking, and mothers are dragging tired teenagers by the hand. They all stare briefly at the college girl with long blonde hair, wading into the ocean with her white nightgown blowing about her thighs.

They all move their chairs and coolers a little away from me and I laugh to myself again.

_Lizzie, I want you to be happy forever. _

The runner has come back, and he's walking toward me, a shy smile on his lips. I step out of the ocean and he asks my name. He's Mark, twenty six, going to the same college as I am.

It's Beth. I tell him. And he asks me for my phone number.

_I want you to be happy. Happy forever…_

I will. I know I will.

_Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this story. Please, Simon says review. Please? I'll give youa pudding cup. _


End file.
